First contacts

There are so many things I love, and yet so many others that make me feel uncomfortable. Why is it that a smile, that nervous kind, coming from a person that you firstly meet, makes me clam up like a shell? I know it's not only me, and I don't know why, but I prefer... this. Against someone I don't know, and who does not seem adequately interesting just because he/she does not share the same interests with me (which I cannot know for sure unless I talk to them, can I?), against this someone, I prefer this. Being alone. Writing. Painting. Browsing. Whatever. Anything. But not human contact.

Don't get this totally wrong. I do meet new people. I push myself to do it. Sometimes quite enthusiastically, others less so. But I meet them. I occasionally spend time with them, in several social activities, but I never become friends. And then I don't want to meet them any more. And I prefer being alone, doing the things I like.

I know this does not make any sense, to anyone but me of course, because all this is inside MY head, and only I can connect these dots... The point is: human contact. How easy-flowing it seems to some people, how headache -or even panic attack- inflicting to others.

No, I don't like absolute loneliness. I like my shell. And my shell includes the standard parts of my body, the standard persons of my life, it's the same thing.

If you ever cross paths with me... it's most likely that we will never actually meet. I may have several 'talents', but communication does not seem to be one of them.

I am weird I guess. Perhaps weirder than I thought.